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Never Been
Unloved
The
following is a in depth testimony of God’s life changing power over my
life.
 I am not sure who will
read this. Anyone in the world can read it since it is posted on my
website, and I pray that in some way it will touch your heart, and that
God will use this to speak to you and perhaps re-evaluate your life and
were your priorities really need to be.
Before I became a
Christian, I read a similar testimony. I came across a computer disc that
my brother had lent me. There were some files on it, and one of them was
my brother Tony’s testimony. It was written as I have written this, and
it had deeply moved me. The Lord used his testimony and other
factors in my life to ultimately bring me to Him and surrender all to Him
in May of 1994. Although I never became serious with God until
February of 2002. A year after becoming a Christian, I strayed and
it wasn't till Feb of 2002 that a young girl who gave her life for God,
turned me around and brought me to re dedicate my life to God and to seek
a deeper walk with God. This girl was
Rachel Joy Scott.
As a child, I was
brought up in the Catholic church. I can remember going to Catechism
classes in elementary school. The first thing I noticed about church was
music. I remember I would always enjoy sitting at the front of the church
to listen and watch the lady play the organ. As a child I didn’t fully
understand all of what God was about. It was just something we did
every Sunday.
During my 6th
grade year, I spent that year at St. Anthony’s Catholic school in
Harlingen Texas. During that time, I was taught more about God, but never
taught how to have a relationship with God. I always enjoyed going to
the masses, and helping out during the mass when I could. I would enjoy
to sing and listen to the music during the service. But still I did not
know how to have a personal relationship with God.
I graduate from 6th
grade, and went on to Valley Baptist Academy located also in Harlingen
Texas. From 7th grade to 12th I attended the
Academy. During that time, although I was taught about God’s love and
grace, it never really sunk in until my Sr year. I guess the teenage
years are always a difficult time for kids. I went though a rebellious
stage. I would listen to heavy metal music, and even got into some of the
death metal music. Being at a Christian school, I was constantly getting
into trouble because of that. The rebellious streak continued. I can
remember sneaking jack Daniels into school and drinking and getting drunk
with my friends, and we’d go to class laughing and drunk.
During my 10th
and 11th grade years, my attitudes took a turn for the worse. I
began to dabble in Satanism. I bought a book called the Satanic
bible. Written by a Satanist, Anton LaVey, I began to
study it and believe what he had wrote. I went as far as performing
the rituals that were in the satanic bible. Praying to Satan and his demons.
I had the inverted pentagram associated with Satanism in my room, and I
had black candles that I did the rituals. I would bring the satanic
bible to school and flash it before other people, as if to say, "hey look
at me, don't mess with me, I'm a Satanist." Eventually I was caught, and brought before the president of the school.
On the verge of being kicked out of school, I pretended to cry and bawl and
I told them I’d accept Christ. I put on a really good show too, saying I’m sorry, the whole
nine yards. I continued though the school year, continuing to listen to
the heavy metal music, being angry at everyone and worshiping Satan. But in reality I was
searching, I was lost, I was lonely, people picked on me, and called me
names, I was your typical loner, there was a
emptiness inside of me that nothing could fill, not the music, the satanic
stuff I was getting into, friends, nothing could fill that void.
That is one of the reasons I relate to Rachel. She was always so
compassionate, she would go out of her way to make you feel important.
She reached out to the loners and people who were different. She was
almost like a friend I never had in high school. Her story and life
reached out to me.
All the teaching and
preaching that I would pretend not to listen to, slowly began to work in
my heart over the years. During my Sr. year was when things began to
change in my life. I started to notice the Christians that were a
part of my school. Sadly, being in a Christian school, there were
only a handful of true Christians that really walked their talk. One
of them that influenced me and inspired me because of the way she let
Christ shine though her and the way she lived her life, is Gaby de la
Cruz. God used her life to make me see things. Just
like Rachel's story and legacy, inspired me to re-dedicated my life to
God, Gaby's life influenced me and inspired me to COME TO GOD and
surrender all.
As I continued though my
Sr. year in high school, I began to open my heart, thinking, maybe there really
is a God, that cares. During my spring break, I had a near death
experience. Me and several friends decided it would be cool to go out to
south padre island and ride the huge waves as a very powerful cold front
blew though. The temptaure was cold and the wind was blowing, and the
seas were very rough. There was a strong rip current as common with rough
surf. I along with my 2 friends, got caught in the current and could not get back into shore.
Struggling, to keep my head above water, as waves would crash over my head
and burry me under the water, I yelled out to God. I yelled, I am sorry,
I am so sorry for all the things I’ve done, please let this not be the
end, please save me, I will give my life to you. For what seemed like an
eternity, I continued to fight the raging surf, and eventually my feet
touched solid ground. I made my way back to shore. I was completely exhausted.
When I got home, I dropped to my knees and cried like I never cried
before, and thanked God that I didn’t die that day. I knew that I
could have died, I knew that God heard my cries, I knew that God had a
plan for my life.
A few days past, and of
course my sinful side, took over again, and I didn’t fully surrender to
God. I was back to listening to the music, hanging with the same friends,
and so on. Although, I felt something change in my heart. I knew
something changed. My Sr. Trip came and one of my friends managed to
sneak in some liquor, and we got drunk two nights in a row. The last day
of the Sr. trip, we were in church. As I sat there, head pounding, and
hung over, I began to think, is this the way I want to live? this
question kept
repeating in my head over and over. The church service finished and we
started the trip back to the school. During the entire 6 hour ride back
to the school campus, I could not get that question out of my mind. The
next day, in the quiet of my room, I knelt, with tears in my eyes, and
surrendered all to God. It was May 1994, a few days before my graduation
from high school.
Things began to change
in my life. I graduated high school, and began my new journey walking
with the Lord. I attended Houston Baptist University for 2 years. I met
wonderful people there, whom helped me grow in the Lord. I attended bible
studies, went to prayer meetings, went to church, I feed whole heartedly
on God’s word and grew. However, during my second year at HBU, I began to
slack off in my schooling. I was doing to many other things, helping out
with local Christian bands, going to bible studies, spending time with my
friends, yet not spending enough time in the books. I ended up getting
put on academic suspension. At the end of my second year at HBU, I began
to slowly stray from the Lord.
I decided to come home
for a bit and re think all that I wanted to do in life. I figured
maybe
HBU wasn’t for me. During this time off I didn't go to church.
I began to fall away from being in the bible and reading God's word.
Temptation got the best of me
and I wandered into a local gentlemen’s club and met this dancer. I
began to visit her again and again. Week after week I kept coming back
there, until eventually we began dating. I decided to go to school in
this girl’s home town of Brownsville. It was a very unhealthy
relationship, based only on money and the psychical. We had a very rough
relationship. It was very emotional on me. I was not happy. We
would fight, and it would just not work out, no matter how hard I tried. We broke up several times over
the 4 years we knew each other and ended up getting back together. Over
the 4 years that I knew her, I completely forgot bout the Lord. . I was
to considered about her, and being in love with her, and the psychical
aspect of our relationship, to care about God or
anyone else for that matter.
Things eventually came
to a boil during April of 2001. On my 26th
birthday, we got into the grand daddy of all fights, and we finally said
quits for good. Of all days, we broke up on April 20th, the
second anniversary of the Columbine shooting. Little did I know,
that God had plans for me involving Columbine, mainly with Rachel Joy
Scott. The break up was very painful for me. I became
depressed and very angry, at her and at my self. I was bitter toward
everyone, and I let this bitterness consume me.
During the time that me and Doris were together, I
discovered a ship called the Texas Treasure. It is a gambling and
cruise ship. I got to know a lot of the crew and people on board,
and they became a life line for me though their friendship and support. I would go to parties
on the ship,
and drink with my friends, and dance on the dance floor, and get drunk and
buzzed, trying to cover up the hurt and pain I felt inside. However when
I woke up the next day, it would always be there. Things would
always be the same.
But you know what is so
amazing about the Lord God almighty? Even though we stray, even though we
mess up, and screw up, and totally turn our backs to Him, HE is always
there, with such an amazing and unconditional love for us that we can’t
even begin to understand it. He is always there for us with open arms.
For the new believer in Christ or the believer who has wandered off the
right path.
Things begin to change
several months later, when I drove up to Wilson Oklahoma to attend my
brother’s wedding. My brother was married at a
The River at Wilson, a
small Pentecostal church.
The pervious night, I
was in Longview Texas, visiting friends. I had partied and had quite
the hang over the next morning. After getting only a few hours of
sleep, I made the 5 hour drive to Wilson Oklahoma to attend my brother’s
wedding. The moment I stepped in the church, I could feel God’s
presents in the atmosphere. From the smiling faces, to the
wonderfully sung songs, God’s
joy and happiness was very evident in that small country church. I began
to long for that type of joy again, for that peace that only God can
give. I began to remember what a joyful day it was when I first accepted
Christ in may of ’94. I attended an evening service the church held,
and afterwards there was a time of fellowship. Again, the Lord began to
work on my heart, and those events planted a small seed of faith back into
my heart.
Several months passed.
The Lord slowly continued to work on my heart. I began to question my
self, my life style and attitudes. Finally during February of 2002, I was
home, bored and surfing the web. I was looking at websites on
Michael W. Smith. I had remembered he had written a song on the
Columbine tragedy called "this is your time." I got curious about
it, so did a search on the Columbine shooting. Because I really
didn't know much bout it, during 1999, I
was to centered on my girlfriend to care about anything. When I did
a search on Columbine, the first person that came up was a girl by the
name of Rachel Joy Scott. Though her official website at
www.racheljoyscott.com, I learned about a girl who had such a deep
connection to God almighty. Who loved life, and loved people, and
who was carrying and compassionate. I read how she died, and it
shook me to the core. I began to ask my self, why, why, WHY, did
this have to happen to such beautiful young girl, who did nothing wrong,
who just loved people for who they were. I saw her smile, the way
she shined and radiated, and my heart was broken. I was broken to
the very core of my existence. I cried like I never had cried in my
life. I have never felt so much hurt and pain in my life as what I
did that night. It made my break up with my girlfriend seem like
nothing. I cried and cried, and finally though tears, I dropped to
my knees and I re dedicated my life to God. This time I meant it
with all my heart. I asked God though total brokenness and humility
to be real in my life, to show me His will and desire, to speak to me and
to open my heart and eyes to His voice.
God answered my prayers,
though 2 dreams. The first dream involved a girl I knew, whom
was always stuck up toward me, never talked to me and always seemed to
have a attitude toward me. In the dream, I approached her after not
seeing her for a while, and we talked briefly. She was very pleasant
and it was easy to talk to her. We had sat down and
talked, and talked for several hours. Several weeks later, these events
happened EXACTLY as I had dreamt them.
A second dream I had,
was shortly after this dream I just described. I had dreamt I was
visiting my brother’s church. Toward the end of the service, when people
were invited to come and be prayed over, my brother went up. Followed by
his eldest son, and then I followed, and his other kids followed. As a
family we stood before God, open arms, and praying to Him. Several months
later, when I drove up in May for my nieces’ Debra’s birthday party,
during my last day before I left, these events happened exactly as I had
dreamt them. That same night I was baptized.
Several months after re-dedicating my life to God, I
found a church and began to attend regularly. This church is First
Baptist Church of McAllen. I continued to grow in the Lord.
Rachel continued to play a role in my life and in my
walk with God. There are times, I am down or have a bad day, and all
I had to do is to look at her beautiful smile and I am lifted up. I
see not only Rachel's warm smile but I see Jesus him self shining though
that smile. God continued to lay on my heart Rachel, I began to
develop an special connection to her. She's almost like the best
friend I never had. I created a small one page website on her in
dedication to her several months after I re-dedicated my life to God.
Shortly after that, I created a full blown site in honor and dedication to
her. You can view this site at
www.racheljoyscott.net Shortly after creating this site, I
went and visited Littleton, Colorado. Though this trip, I was
changed even more, and was brought into a even deeper relationship with
God. God taught me brokenness, humbleness, and to trust in God with
all my heart. You can view my site on Rachel for more info on this
trip. Though this trip I met the wonderful people who make up Rachel
Joy Scott Ministries. I was invited to be a part of the ministry
which is an incredible honor. I had also made a promise to Rachel,
though tears at her grave site, that I would tell as many people as I
could about her legacy, and also to continue the chain reaction of
kindness she started.
So you see, God does have a plan for your life.
He did for mine. It took all this to see what His plan is for my
life, and that is to be a part of Rachel's dream, which was to "reach the
un reached." I follow God, I surrender to Him fully. I may not
always be involved with Rachel's ministry, I don't know, but one thing I
do know, is I will follow God's will and do what ever He wants me to do,
weather it's being involved with Rachel's ministry or being a missionary
in Africa.
God is so awesome. He can save the most
wrenched person. His love is stronger then the angels or demons and
can break though the coldest of hearts. One of the most shining
examples of God's love and grace is his saving Alice Cooper. Many of
you know him as the guy with makeup, some people have compared him with
Marylyn Manson.. The Lord completely delivered him from his
drinking. He now serves the
Lord, goes to church, even has a Christian youth foundation called, "Solid
Rock Foundation" Another person with a powerful testimony
is Anthony Jess LaVey. If you remember toward the beginning
of my testimony, I mentioned his father, Anton LaVey. Anthony was born to
be the successor of his father. He was suppose to take his father's
place in the Church of Satan, but GOD had other plans. He rebelled
against his father, and even did stuff such as writing JESUS SAVES, on the
ritual rooms of his father's church. I've had the opportunity to
talk to him recently, and he is a awesome man of God. It
proves just how awesome our God is. He was born into evil, but God
delivered him. I would like to share his testimony. You can
read it
HERE.
I hope you enjoyed my testimony. I live each
day for God, one day at a time. Going where He wants me to go.
If you have read this testimony and God has moved in your heart, please
know that He loves you and wants to save you. He is there for you
with open arms. It's a very simple process to become a Christian and
be changed for ever. Please follow this link for a simple
prayer of faith. It's one simple step, is all it takes.
Would you give God a chance today?
Thank you and may God
bless you!
Mike Santos
Fall of 2002
Note: If
you are visiting from my personal website, you may return to the main page
by clicking
HERE.
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